This was me in high school. (I had to dig deep into my old Instagram for these ones!)
I was 92 pounds. I could cup my hand around my entire waist. But guess what? I was not happy with myself. I wanted to be below 90 pounds, I wanted longer hair, I wanted a bigger thigh gap, etc. etc. etc.
When I got pregnant I gained a lot of weight. I remember my mind set being that now I could finally eat a ton and it would be okay because I was just being healthy for my baby. The last couple months of my pregnancy I hated my body once again. I loved the person growing inside of me but I wanted my old body back. Many pounds later T was born. I thought right after that, the weight would just shed off. And it did. But then it stopped.
I weighed myself every day after I got home from the hospital and for a couple weeks I was excited to do that because several pounds were gone each time I stepped on that scale. Then all of a sudden it stayed constant. I continued weighing myself everyday for a couple more weeks but the number stopped going down.
My face, no longer thin. My thigh gap, long gone. My stomach, bumpy instead caved in. This became my reality.
I told myself that the rest of the weight would simply shed more slowly. Just the opposite has happened really. I am almost positive I have gained a few pounds since those weeks after T was born.
This has been a hard battle with myself. I have had to do everything in my power to not fall into any of my old bad habits. But honestly, I have come to love food. Like really really love it. I love that it is a way to experience new things and spend time with loved ones. I am also an emotional eater which is just another thing I need to work on. On top of that, try as I might, I cannot get into exercising. There is no denying that those two facts will not help me get back to my original goal weight and you know what? I think that I will get to the point where I am okay with that every single day.
Some days I feel hot. I love my curves and my new body, but some days nothing fits right. I do not even want to look at myself in the mirror. I am so lucky to have my husband by my side to remind me that I am beautiful and my stretch marks and saggy skin are proof that our little angel grew inside of me.
My body is this way now so that I can watch her grow and learn everyday. I get to see the way she tries to figure out ways around obstacles. I get to hear her giggle so much that she has to catch her breath. I get to smell her baby breath after she wakes up from a nap. I get to eat her little toes (not literally!), and I get to feel her cup my face in her hands and plop a kiss on my lips. How much more beautiful are all those things than having the “ideal” body?!
No, I am not the perfect face of someone who is comfortable in their skin… but I want to be. I work every day to change those negative thoughts to something constructive. To learn to love my body because there is no way I will ever look like I use to.
Being healthy on the inside is something I find more important than looking “good” (what type of measurement even is that?!) on the outside.
I do not look like the girl in those pictures anymore. But something awesome that comes with that, is that I do not look like she did on the inside anymore either. I am now filled to the brim with love. I have an amazing husband and a daughter who lights up my life. I feel worthwhile.
It does not matter one bit what you look like on the outside as long as you are beautiful and bright on the inside. After all, the person you are on the inside is the one that you live with and deal with everyday.
I choose happiness over skinny.