My body won’t do what I want it to but soon it will.
Tonight’s post was not planned, I have no structure for it except to share a simple message so I apologize in advance if I begin to get scattered.
For a little preface, I used to be a runner. I know, crazy! It was never anything intense, I never ran races or competed or even showed this love in gym class; actual runners may hate me for classifying myself that way. However, most days after school I would change into tennis shoes, grab my ipod & occasionally bring along my running partner (a tiny pomeranian who often gave up halfway through giving me the challenge of running with a 7lb weight) for a chance to get out of the house and escape. My regular route was about a 2.5-3 mile round trip from my old elementary school to a local park and back home. I was incredibly self conscious, my growing years were spent with playful banter about my lack of grace or athleticism which unknowingly affected me, so whenever someone else ran or drove by I would slow to a brisk walk so to be completely honest I may not have been the runner I thought I was. But y’all, I loved it. I was in an incredibly mentally destructive mindset during those years and running was my escape; something I was not doing intentionally, it wasn’t until recently that I have been realizing the connections to old and current habits due to practicing mindfulness.
As I fell deeper into a hole of teenage depression and hopelessness all healthy habits seemed to fade and become replaced with more and more destructive ones & after I got pregnant I had no desire to pick any good habits back up again.
In my last two blog posts I spoke to the healthy habits I have picked up as I entered into a state of healing (read pt.1 here & pt.2 here) but left out one due to a frustration with my own body- running.
I felt that I owed it to myself and my fellow wanderers to bring this one to life. As many of you know and will hear advocated for, exercise is a huge part of physical, mental & emotional wellness. As I have said before, working out has never been my forte. Sure, I’ll get a surge of motivation every once in a while and stick on a true routine for a hot minute but I have never truly stuck with one, hopefully one day, that it what I am working towards. But as I began to feel and urge to get my body moving again I began having more and more memories of running for a release (as a subconscious coping mechanism I have clouded out a majority of my memories from certain years, something I am working to uncover & retract). A light bulb went off in my head “I love to run!” so, I started running.
Very quickly I found myself discouraged. My max amount of exertion at the moment is currently about a quarter of a mile, followed by around a half mile of brisk walking before I feel ready to go full force again. I am not as fast as I remember once being & I cannot run for as long as I once could. As someone who likes to achieve and accomplish challenges immediately after setting my mind to it, watching my own physical body be the only thing holding me back from this idea of long distance running has been incredibly difficult to swallow.
But here’s the thing, when I can run, I feel great. I am a visual and hands-on person so I like to say I use running as my detox, I watch the bad energy I have been holding onto melt off and fall behind me. I dance & sing & yell. I enter an alternative universe where I am alone with my spirit, communicating with her, telling her what I need & listening to what she needs. No one else exists. I am a new person from the young girl I once was, trying to escape but still afraid of judgement. Running is for me and myself only. But… I cannot stay in that head-space for long periods of time.
I have been trekking through, fully aware that it will take time. My body is only failing me because I failed it for so long. I must be patient and loving to it as it is simply doing what is its best at this given moment. She will get stronger, but I am learning to be patient with my physical self, my limitations are temporary. (A current affirmation for me)
As I came back from tonight’s run I found myself nearly in tears. I wanted to stay in this alternate space, but my body needed a break. These two pieces of myself were unable to agree on a medium & my physical body won over with her needs.
We have a tendency to love one portion of ourselves more than another & for myself (and likely many others) I am often able to love my soul, my spirit much much deeper than my physical self. I find myself in a mindset of prioritizing inner (spiritual) wellness over my physical wellness because I understand that my physical body is temporary. But something I must remind myself frequently is that while a physical body is temporary, its health is vital to existence. We don’t give these body’s of ours enough credit, but we put them through a lot. Even worse, we drink sugar packed beverages & stuff our body with packaged foods but become frustrated with ourselves when that same body we are fueling with junk won’t perform at its highest capacity.
My body won’t do what I want it to and that is okay because this is temporary. If I take care of her, she will continue to take care of me but also in aspects that are currently unfathomable to me. If I prioritize her wellness she will allow me to grow inwardly and outwardly in ways I can only imagine right now.
That is what I wanted to leave with you tonight, while tonight’s post was incredibly personal, it is applicable to whatever is ailing you at this very moment. Learning a balance is essential, patience with all parts of yourself is essential, and understanding that this too will pass is, well, essential.